Blah..

So once again, it's been a while.
I was having a great time over the summer.
Spending time with my family, having fun with the siblings, going on adventures with my sister.
And then summers over and I go back home to be with by boyfriend.
And that was a great two weeks.
And then i'm off to Ct again bc something happened to my sister.
And just like that, shes gone.
On mine and my boyfriends anniversary they pronounced her dead.
Not really something you want to hear on a day that means so much to us.

Next thing you know, it's her memorial.
We cremated her.
Then the Celebration of life thing her school did for her.
And then tuesday is her birthday.
She would have been 18.
She wanted to do a firepit and have friends over.
The weather permitting of course.

And now things are just.. weird.
I keep expecting her to show up after school.
Or laugh at me when i do something stupid.
You never really realize how much you miss the little things.

I have so much stuff to do though.
She made me promise to let her have one of my kids.
Which will be awkward for the poor thing.
lol.

There are so many things she wanted to do.
That we wanted do together.
And i want to do them.
Just not alone.

And sometimes i just wish that its a dream, and that I'll wake up and she'll be here and i'll be in texas.
But its real.
And i think thats the hardest thing to deal with.
The reality of it.
The fact that it's over and done with and there's nothing you can do to change it.
That's what hurts.

What bothers me the most, is i wasn't there.
That it took so long for me to get to her.
And that all my hopes were crushed the instant I got there.
That feeling, is something i never want to feel again.